you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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