I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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