I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize