i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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