First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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