My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
