Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
