I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize