Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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