It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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