I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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