So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
