Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found

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(616): View more from Michigan

Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream

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(248): View more from Michigan

In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!

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(330): View more from Ohio

The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings

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(303): View more from Colorado

that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.

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