I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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