Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
