Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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