The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
