More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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