jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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