You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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