i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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