A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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