I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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