yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize