i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
