And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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