I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
