I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
