My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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