Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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