No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
