I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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