girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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