: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
