Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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