just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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