After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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