I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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