Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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