Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
it hurts more in the daytime
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
