OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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