Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
