Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
