Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
