remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Oh god it's open bar.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
