I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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