I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
