This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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