im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
