you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
