I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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