Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
