Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
