I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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