I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
