Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
