When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
