I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My legs feel like baby dolphins
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
