My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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